hasan minhaj: homecoming king transcript

I bet you, when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents he was going to liberate India, even they were like, Log kya kahenge! Im going to put this in my car.. Everyone here, please be normal. My dad is like, We are normal. Killing me, you know what I mean? Theyre like, Oh! Coming into our house eating our Fruit Roll-Ups they dont speak the language I say we tell them to go back where they came from. Hes like, You cant say that. When you first fall in love, you get that first taste of the Heisenberg blue. I jump on stage! Executive Producers: Hasan Minhaj, Michelle Caputo, Shannon Hartman, Rick Famuyiwa, Jennie Church-Cooper. I love you guys. Hey, man, where are you going? And its Jon. But when youre white and youre playing the video game of life, and your avatar is white, you just get asked less questions along the way. Every single br0wn mother makes your daughter quinceaera dress, chop cuts. Lets move to the US where were the only people that know each other. Im so grateful for that decision. So theyre rushing him to the hospital. Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Come to New York. I wanted to protect you. Clothes, culture, money. Her house, my house. [laughter] What about Mr Rengatramanajananam? Shes like, I hit it off with this guy. So Im going to be with him because its right. A transcript of the examination and interview follows. Ah, you kill me!, Thats the way our parents are, right? Have you heard of Seema? Im looking at my dad and I see all five-seven of him. Im balancing the corsage. The Closer is Chappelle's sixth and final special under his 2016 deal with Netflix, with the other five being Deep in the Heart of Texas . This 10-digit number is your confirmation number. Hey idiot, pick up your phone. Oh, my God. And I was like, You knew my situation. I would love to meet up. Shes like, Yeah, lets meet up. And I go from LA to New York, direct flight. Why are you hunting down people from your past like a psycho? And were about to pull up and we get to the door, and my dad is about to ring the doorbell, when he says the sentence that is the killer of every br0wn kids dream. First grade. We should do this more often. Theres one mall in the entire area. Stop blaming other people. So, Hasan, be brave. #its a small world. Because love is bigger than fear. I wish I could tell him that. I put on the JC Penney suit. Hes like, Thats a good point. One night, were on the living room table. With topics ranging from tight rompers to ugly bras to why every man needs a box spring, Iliza remains the hilarious, affecting voice of her generation. But she got what I was saying. And I know 9/11 is a super touchy subject. Please dont say anything. And I look at her. Everyones, How did it go? Youre like, Positive thoughts. No, its not happening. Im not Saddam.. Thank you. Youre good. Because were too afraid of the Other. And then, when it came time for me to get married, I got married to a girl from a Hindu family. Send that shit right now! Marvel Movies Ranked Worst to Best by Tomatometer, Jurassic Park Movies Ranked By Tomatometer, The Mandalorian Season 3 First Reviews: Still the Best Star Wars TV Show, Critics Say. I mean, dances are overrated. Its like living in North Korea. Ah, yogurt. Or milk. Hey, audition for The Daily Show. I submit a tape. Copyright Fandango. You know about this. Youre funny. Which is a tell-tale sign of being, like, Hey, man. And Aisha hates that story. And he goes, Hey, man, relax. What do you like? Wheres Osama? Hey, 2631 Regatta Lane, thats where you live, right? All of us? Im laughing so hard, Im crying. Im like, Dude, what are you doing? Thats when I realized theres a generational gap between us and our parents. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me, and I hear his accomplishments at each step. Nothing. For years! Goodnight. Boom. Why? 23 S.E. Weve got to get better about our cartoon policy. We got Batman, baby! You guys see this, right? We wont be able to verify your ticket today, but its great to know for the future. It was a reverse Lord of the Rings situation. Me, Jehovahs Witness girl, Korean exchange students, going to the prom? And Im biking with my knees bowed out. Bethany, Ive got a gig in New York next week. Boom. Fox News is incredible. You know the way it is. But the reason why I write about you is because I see you kept your promise. Regal Go for it. See you next week. Therapy is bullshit. August 11th, 1993. We can speak at home and outside. Did you forget? Hes like, Hasan, how could I forget that its your birthday? Hello? I grab the second phone. What have you done? Im like, Have you heard of Pizza Hut? [laughter], Then he steps into the light, and hes shorter than I thought. You are shitting on my dreams. I didnt say that. Because I dont give a fuck about any of my single friends. So by my senior year of high school, I had yet to go to a school dance, I had been cut from the basketball team, and I had just got off this medicine called Accutane so my skin and face was peeling. Yeah. I love you! Youre the color of poop. Thats memory number one. I cant hear you, Dad. Dad hates yogurt. [laughter] He hates milk. But I get that look, now. People here with girlfriends are like, Babe, its different with you. Youre lying and thats okay. 8.2. (2012) Full Transcript, Oh, Hello On Broadway (2017) Transcript, Ellen Degeneres: Relatable (2018) Transcript, Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean (2018) Full Transcript, Vir Das: Losing It (2018) Full Transcript, Volker Pispers about USA (2004) Transcript, Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018) Transcript, Jeff Foxworthy & Larry the Cable Guy: Weve Been . Marry a white girl? You make me sound like a refugee baby. Thats true. Its a big deal for me. Its real. Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India. Im pissed. And now Mrs Reeds like, Hey, honey, we know so much about Bethany, but we dont know anything about you. Cool. I just walk up and Im like, Alright, yeah. I want that for the rest of my life. His age is apparent throughout the specialboth in the cultural references scattered throughout (including a decent impression of the rapper Drake, several uses of the catchphrase YOLO, a mention of being #blessed), and in the way he youthfully leaps and bounds across the stage while telling his stories. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee? What happened was, my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom, and during one trip he knocked her up. Nothing. I would have gotten a slap. So Im looking at her, like, Dont say anything. Mrs Reeds like, You want br0wnies? Yeah. I just want my mom. [raucous laughter]. And thats when I realize Im a darapok. Get in the Camry. The immigrant car of choice. Weve all been there. And now you want to be the bigger man? Stay up-to-date on all the latest Rotten Tomatoes news! Im equal. I had to bring it back here. In a weird way that brings us together, and we have to do everything together. And then you have the audacity to be, like, Hey, why are you so melodramatic? Because I went to war for you. My dad sits everybody down. You cant do that. He's a two-time Peabody Award winner and host of the Netflix show Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj, which has just begun its second season. And I look at him, and Im like Dad? He had Jewish Najmi vibes. Your email address will not be published. Do you ever see your parents, and you see the mortality in them? Thank you. 78% - Critics. Muslims are like, No statues! Just to see her one last time. At that age, thats a lot. Hasan, youll never understand. Ill never understand? I love it. Im about to pop a wheelie. I would get, like, Hanson Minaja Sahan Minha. Saddam Hussein. It was my English teacher. Its difficult to get in this country. And I honestly dont know who is more right. Theyre like, Oh! She laid down one of her cards for me. Two years, three years, four years, six years, seven years I finally get a chance to headline a comedy club. Dave Chappelle delivers a speech at his prestigious alma mater that reflects on his comedy roots, his rise to fame and why artists should never behave.. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King TV Special 2017 TV-MA 1 h 13 m IMDb RATING 8.2 /10 7.6K YOUR RATING Rate Play trailer 1:21 1 Video 3 Photos Comedy In his first stand-up special, Hasan Minhaj weaves humorous and heartbreaking anecdotes to tell his life story as an Indian-American Muslim. My mom is frying pakoras. You fucking dune coon. He may not be the hero we want, but he is the hero the Muslim world needs. Batman versus Bill Maher. I write the piece, go to New York. 10:50. To which I reply, We didnt end up going, though. This has, um This has been a very good year for me. How many times behind closed doors do we complain about racism in our community? Minhaj asks. The producer is like, Well run it a few times. And I sit down and I get to the desk. Cloth interior for life. I decided not to go. Everybody in the class looked at me. Jasuriah? Go be president. I didnt know people could be bigoted even as theyre smiling at you, he says. Im JGL. I was a lover. Im fucked. , and to receive email from Rotten Tomatoes. Its like 20 feet. And I stuck my landing like a Russian gymnast. This is what I do. I cant say anything. Youre going to die. Available in: 720p.WEB 1080p.WEB WEB: same quality as BluRay Download Subtitles. And it's wild that our kids will never know there was a period of time, in this country, where you had to make a choice between being online or being on the phone. I love you. Drives off into the night. We have great fathers. I can imagine being a father, missing your daughters first steps, her first time saying Dada Thats a hard thing. You realize my parents physically never saw each other? This is new br0wn America. Its too late. Maybe I will follow my dreams. Then Bethanys like, Hey, we always study at my house. You werent the same for me, fine. What Homecoming King feels like is a memoir come to life. Let me know if you want some tix. All caps. Cool. Hey, stay for dinner. We just had br0wnies, but okay. Were sitting there at the dinner table. I want to be a family. Because she knew the rules. People ask, Where does that come from? Look at this kids parents. Walk in there, be cool. My dad knows you! Hes like, Yeah, Im sure he does. I pinch myself. Im pooping my pants. Dont be tacky. So easy. Someone whos not in our tribe. He goes, Hasan, Im mad at you. I know, I kissed a girl. You know Bills demeanor. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King 2017 | Maturity Rating: TV-MA | 1h 12m | Comedies Comic Hasan Minhaj of "The Daily Show" shares personal stories about racism, immigrant parents, prom night horrors and more in this stand-up special. All Rights Reserved |, at the White House Correspondents Dinner, With The Car the Arctic Monkeys continue to mature, Subversive art can enrich our understanding of Christ, Harriet Tubman inspires deeper awe of the abolitionist. You choked, right? Its March Madness for nerds. Why are you bald and skinny? Who gives a fuck? [panting] Alright, go. And wed be walking through the aisles, and my dad would pick up yogurt. First was his one-man show, "Homecoming King," which he started performing live in 2014 and released as a Netflix special last year. A kid has to get shot 16 times for us to be like, Maybe we have a race problem. For every Trayvon Martin or Ahmed the clock kid, there is bigotry that happens every day. Please reference Error Code 2121 when contacting customer service. So Ill see you Monday, right?. Ill just put this on the wall. And Muslims we dont really, uh, like cartoons. My mom and my sisters are crying. I am Jon Stewart. I would love to hear that story., Tell me more. What? I could have been like, Dad, fight me. I get to the door, open the door, then I hear, Hey, Hasan! Shes sitting outside. I sent it. I saw her in the sandbox. Theyre like, Oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh. Shwarma time! I love that so much. I hear a voice. I hated her. And my mom, she would come and visit, and just kill the mom game. I need her, Dad. He would check to see if the coast is clear and hed slap the shit out of me. This is what Dad fought for. Ding-dong. Because when it happened, everyone in America felt like their country was under attack. And then immediately behind my mom, is this little br0wn girl with a mushroom cut. I was like, Oscar speech, go. I was like, Fuck that. Not this guy. Dad, I promise you, God doesnt like bigotry. Roll call was a problem. And I dont know why I get to Kaiser and run upstairs. His Netflix show Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj won two Peabody Awards and two Webby Awards . I did what a lot of early comedians do. Fast enough to get there, but slow enough to not get pit stains. Thank you. That was our World War I, man. You know how you hit that point when your parents give up on you and move on? Thank you.. Navigate accordingly. In the third grade, Miss Anderson said, Write what you want to be. Some kids were like, an astronaut, or a firefighter. I was like, I want to be white. [shocked laughter] What do you mean? I want this part of my skin to be all of my skin. And it wasnt like, I hate melanin. I love melanin. They disseminate information to us. He looks at me. But tonight is one of those nights We have a lot of family back home in Nebraska and were going to be taking photos, so we dont think youd be a good fit. Hasan, be brave. Its a very beautiful poem. I hope she has a good personality. A blank stare. You guys wanna know a secret? It was all a dream. But its not a dream, its the universe telling you, Its a Fair and Lovely world. Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee: Hasan Minhaj: Nobody Cries At A Joke. The sad part is, I felt bad for being there. Im home. Youre not my sister. [gasps in audience] But she couldnt understand English. Comedy, My dad is the leader of the household. My mom and dad are arguing in Hindi. Second marriage, Tools, Clear History. 55 plus apartments in east kildonan; used sewer jetter trucks for sale But no one told me about it. Not your typical stand up special, But special nonetheless! Shes going to tell Dad. Lets focus on whats important here. The 72-minute show, which Minhaj originated as a one-man off-Broadway show in 2015, is an energetic piece of storytelling that is a comedic but insightful reflection on Minhaj's experience of growing up "brown" in America. No. No, I want to know more about you. Why? Residency, fam! Never happens. Moms a ninja, Dads a communist? When you see someone from your past, all of a sudden, youre that age again. Im standing there. Were in the hospital. God made Black saints. Meanwhile, I I didnt go to grad school. Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is playing on Zee TV. The British are going to talk shit about us. I wanted to say that. Nothing! The class goes nuts. Look at his brother. To tell them youre good enough. Shes like, Hey. Youre always stressed and always tired. The surgery is that risky. And I look over her shoulder, and I see Jeff Burke putting a corsage on Bethanys wrist. 25. Give me the Rajesh Rengatramana motherfucking-jananam. Like, No! God is laughing at me. It's far from a light walk . By creating an account, you agree to the LA, Chicago, New York? I was like, Nah, son. It is his exuberant recitation of his origin story, of. Phone Number (954)-871-1411. We sit down. Patriot Act. Good night. Isnt that how all this stuff happens? One year, she came to school and brought me a Ghostbusters proton pack. You should follow your dreams. [laughter] Maybe I will. They won't be able to see your review if you only submit your rating. Boom! This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. I have a personality. Where do you think you got that from, dummy? I love you guys. I hear thud, thud, thud outside. Be like this, dude. Our parents are like a firewall to the outside world. But then she would go back to India. You guys are like, I was getting handjobs when I was nine. Not me. Duh! I want to be president. Duh! How many letters are in the alphabet? This is a real show about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party. Im the only br0wn kid at school, Dad is the only br0wn guy at work. 720p.WEB 1080p.WEB WEB: same quality as BluRay Download Subtitles. We love this country, please believe me. Nobody loves this country more than us. I see you getting mad. I wasnt very good. Your email address will not be published. Log kya kahenge? Mr Pendletons like, So, lovebirds, what happened? Because of her, I got to marry the love of my life. Its a big deal. 10:19. I cured it. Arden. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017) - Transcript May 21, 2020 Comic Hasan Minhaj of "The Daily Show" shares personal stories about racism, immigrant parents, prom night horrors and more in this stand-up special. Whats that smell? Im not going to open myself up to that. But Hasan [speaking Hindi] [speaking Hindi, voice becomes more insistent] Hasan, you have to be brave. Youve got leverage. [laughter] I wish I had said, Fuck that, Im going to the dance. I didnt. Why are you telling me this right now? Every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Us? Im really nervous. I know you guys have problems. Your Ticket Confirmation # is located under the header in your email that reads "Your Ticket Reservation Details". He shakes my hand. I had to bring it back here. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. Very heavy. Rajesh Rengatramanajananam, I want you so bad. you move on to different chapters of your life. Comic Hasan Minhaj of "The Daily Show" shares personal stories about racism, immigrant parents, prom night horrors and more in this stand-up special. I want that bike. But I was like, Hang on to your cards. Im scaling down the side of my roof, scraping my knees. Youve got cards to play. I pick up my Toyota Camry L-motherfucking-E. Dont you ever forget about it. Father doesnt want us to go to prom. Hasan Minhaj, 4.3 GPA, kissed a white girl. What an amazing way to go. During this period, he also appeared in the films "Rough Night . I live on the second story. It was a big deal for a lot of us. And its not like they were yokels yelling sand n*gger! I could let that pass. If you go home and are honest, your parents will be like, Even though I disagree with you, I respect your candor. Let me know when youre in New York. To which I reply, abso-f*cking-lutely. Now, against the advice of my therapist I go on Facebook, because she has a public profile. I didnt know that people could be bigoted even as they were smiling at you. I had a question. Anybody br0wn, we popped out here, we made it. Stand-up, 2022 Asian/Pacific American Heritage Month TV & Streaming Calendar. #Calc. Now youre like, Lets be reasonable with the bigots. What? And then he just walks back into the house with glass in his feet. Hasan Minhaj. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Damn! But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Fox News has taught me that. Is Hasan there? What you want, Alice? I was like, Im going to die a virgin. Im in Geometry with Hasan. Number two, you want me to change my life to appease some aunty and uncle Im never going to see? Back in the day, we had to fire up the internet like goddamn cavemen. Hes been slapped on camera. Say something. She starts talking about rent control and I cut her off. I really believe love is bigger than fear. I became a comedian. Youre a dick. Thats the last time we ever spoke. Your courage to do whats right has to be greater than your fear of getting hurt. Kids were losing their minds. Its not a 90-hour saga. Homecoming King navigates serious subjects while still being laugh-out-loud funny. I call my mom, shes crying. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King | Official Trailer [HD] | Netflix. He goes, Hey, man, just slow down. Weve all been there. She just looks down. I was like, Oh, hey, whats up? Youre my white prince., Dont you realize what happened in that moment? Everybodys afraid of everybody. Ill never do it again., He goes, No why dont you forgive Bethany? [speaking Hindi] He wanted to be the bigger person again. Im crushing life. We buy into it. What do you need? Hasan bhai, Dad had a heart attack. Vanity Fair. And now Im sweating through my suit. Crush our enemies.. "The King's Jester" reps the second stand-up comedy special that Minhaj has produced and starred in. In that moment, I let it go. Were the rappers that made it. I have to tell him stories. The bar is way too high. Just saw my high school prom date in a Pizza Hut ad. #throwback. Dont mind if I do. Youre doing comedy now. Happy Birthday., Savage, right? I never knew I never knew if I would do anything more than Pizza Hut. Be proud. I run up to her. How many letters are in Rajesh Rengatramanajananam? Thats why I brought you here. No! Im like, Why are we here? ' And Im looking at her, and Im so embarrassed. You guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on, and bring over this FOB. This is really nice. And I look at her, and Im like, Oh, my God. I gave you the first ride. And Im looking down at her, and Im like, Man Im being a dick. Like, this whole time I was looking for acceptance from Cody, Corey and Cole [laughter] and I had it right here this entire time. Thirty for 30? Im like, Uh Racist Randy wants that red sauce. Your brain can be racist, but your body will just betray you. Hasan bhai! Get lost! Eventually, I run to the boys bathroom. Are you fucking kidding? Six years old, Janice Malo. [laughter] I dont want to be a doctor! Log kya kahenge! No! Hes like, Hanson, this is not funny. He walks over to the board, he pulls it down. Br0wn love is very conditional. So Im walking back to the Camry, then I hear a voice behind me. I pick it up, and its destroyed. Therefore I will grant your wish. I was like, I get it. I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table. Immigrants slap your face and bruise your soul. Fresh TV Trailers. Lets see what the internet is saying about me. Youve got to ease your way in. It went whiter than white. Are you kidding me? Steve Carell, John Oliver, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, Ed Helms, Steven Colbert and me? Listening? Oh, hello. MCAT, DAT, youre going to the Caribbean, its a wrap. Youre in college. Whats up? But I was like, No, shes different. I hit her up late at night. Off with his head! Like a god-damn emperor. Good job? Hey, do you believe in God? So I cant say anything. The church whitewashed them. Now blood is gushing down my arm, and Im pissed, Im fucking mad. Ive never been to a club and seen nine dudes: Yo, whats going on? Whats going on? What is going on? I realized, You dont give a shit about this person. I care about what she represents. Keema roti, me? Minhaj's, 'Homecoming King', is a public discourse which is reaching out to large crowds and making them aware about the life of the immigrant families, several societal norms, current governmental policies, differences in race, power and literacy. God bless. Laugh. Youve seen movies. with updates on movies, TV shows, Rotten Tomatoes podcast and more. Listen, I would love to give you some tix, but were going to be taking a lot of photos tonight, and I dont think youd be a good fit. Send that shit! I call my girl. JOIN NOW Want to audition for The Daily Show? Thats not a question. Aladdin and His Wonderful Lamp (1939) Aladdin series: Aladdin: (1992 & 2019) Aladdin and the King of Thieves (1996) Alag (2006) Alai (2003) Alaipayuthey (2000) Alam Ara (1931) Alambrado (1991) Alambrista! This paper aims to explore the humour discourses of American Muslim standup comedians in response to Islamophobia in the post 9/11 era. We go from New York, Chicago, to Nashville to LA. I dont care about any of you and it feels great. So Im telling him stories about my life, hes telling me stories about his. I jump off, I somehow land, I get on my bike. Hasan bhai! And Im in full hover-hands mode, because I have no idea who this person is. Turn left. Then he turns right, and Im like, Home Depot? Why arent you laughing? Im choking. I was like, Yeah, you know, I decided not to go. Youll need them later. Like, I had vision as a six-year-old. Hello, who is this? Hi, its Alice. Can you write another? No, I cant. You shouldnt relax. And I can feel it. I get a call. Have you guys seen Real Time With Bill Maher? You get it, right? Dad, your favorite color? Stanford! What? Hell, no. Im, like, No! Hasan Minhaj's new special,. Dad, youre the guy that will argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesnt let you return used underwear. [laughter] Dont you know what this means? Because Ive played all my cards. Theyre going to fuck! No, were not! [laughter] They wont get it, dude. Really? Im livid. Najmi marries Question Mark, they come to the States, I come out. Fuck. You claim that shit on your own terms. He served as an associate producer for the Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King special, released on Netflix in May 2017. Are you kidding me? Not going to be a doctor? list of munros excel; nicole wegman ring concierge family. But what makes matters worse is, you had me socially crucified in front of everybody. Shes like, Hasan bhai, come back! Im like, Eat my dust, immigrant. Im flying. Raj is a good person and so am I. Three days before prom he walks to the board. Youre good. Boom! I was like, Its about to go down. I dont care what anyone says. I was like Drake. Every br0wn birthday party. For years I resented that br0wn girl. You have selective memory. I was like, Hey! [laughter] Youre not Liam Neeson. They wheel him into surgery and I hand the clipboard to the doctor. Mom, Dad, a school friend is coming over. I have to change my pants. Made for a better tweet though. "Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester" is set to premiere worldwide on Oct. 4 on Netflix. Listen, me and my girlfriends live in Manhattan and we were wondering if we could get some tix? Question mark. For four years, my wife and I couldn't get pregnant. Im like, Yo, when did Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner? Say what you got to say. What I wanted to say was, Jon, this is one of the only things that Ive gotten in my entire career that my dad actually knows. [laughter] So thank you. But what I said was, Jon! And its wild that our kids will never know there was a period in time in this country where you had to make a choice between being on the internet or being on the phone. Its never the same after that. I know what happens when I talk about this. I did keep my promise, though. All the time. Alright, so so this airs during March Madness. Bethany, do you know why Im here? You dont get it, man. Tools, Clear History. I love that so much. What will people think? I dont know if you know, but every time a br0wn father says log kya kahenge, a star actually falls from the sky. YOLO. In ten minutes, the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on. Just leave us a message here and we will work on getting you verified. He implored Minhaj to be the bigger person. Thats on you, thats not on me. Why do you do this to your daughters? We want to hear what you have to say but need to verify your email.

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